So many things have changed for me since I discovered kink and met my Master. It felt like before I could even blink I had been submerged into this whole new world where there were so many things to explore and discover.
I was scared at first; I was in the deep end and didn’t know where to look. However BDSM very quickly consumed me and took over my life. It was like an addiction; a drug that I couldn’t get enough of. Although I was excited, I was closed off to a lot of things.
“Why does my Master want to do these things? How would I get any enjoyment out of that?”
Before you get any ideas, he never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Infact, at the beggining, he offered me the chance to walk away multiple times. Not because he didn’t want me, but because he was worried it wasn’t what I wanted. There was something in me though that wanted to stay, that want.
There were so many things I considerred hard limits at first, purely because I was ignorant, or because of the actions of previous (non-kink) partners. I was so frightened of trying new things that I would refuse to even consider them. There is nothing wrong with having a long list of hard limits, but the reasoning behind my list was purely a fear of being open and letting someone else in.
There were many struggles in our journey together, but the hardest one by far was being able to call him Master. It was easy by text, but impossible to say out loud. In my heart he was my Master, but I was so nervous that I couldn’t say it to him. Sometimes I was so overwhelmed that I physically couldn’t talk at all. We tried various things to encourage me to say it, but neither punishment or reward would help. It made my Master upset, but I felt hopeless; I wanted so much to call him Master, but I’d filled myself with fear to a point that it felt impossible. Only in the last six months have I actually been able to say it freely without even thinking. In the end it just happened when we stopped thinking about it and we felt entirely comfortable with eachother.
The hard limits also stripped away. I wouldn’t even talk about different types of play before because just thinking about it scared me, but now we have long discussions about things we’re interested and want to try. I still get shy about things and new things still make me anxious, but I feel so much more comfortable with myself now.
I’ve tried some different things that I was really into at the time, that now don’t interest me. That’s fine though! I’m learning, growing and exploring. I am constantly discovering new things about myself, and my Master and I are blossoming together. Even just in the last couple of months I have re-evaluated my wants and needs and have began to explore new ideas.
Master and I are part of the community and we’ve met so many nice people and made friends with people we never would have interacted with. Recently we even did our first public scene together, which is something I never thought I’d be comfortable with, let alone enjoy.
One year and four months since my Master became part of my life; five and a half months since I was collared; two weeks since we got married.
Some people may think that it was too fast, but he has changed my life so much. Despite financial struggle and personal struggle, I have never been so happy in all my life.
Thank you Master! I hope we continue to explore and be happy for many years to come!
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